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Why Emotional Vocabulary Matters for Kids
Aren’t you relieved ? You did it !!! Your child is back in school and no longer eating all the snacks from the pantry. Based on their behavior this summer, you anticipate them actually having a good year. Until you begin receiving text messages from their teacher that they didn’t join circle time today because they were hysterically crying that someone took their seat in the cafeteria. Or maybe, they did good at school but as soon as they got home, they were easily irritated and angered and cried for twenty minutes straight. Does this sound familiar ? What happened to your sweet and well behaved child ? In addition to a change in routine, and lack of sleep, a major contributor to this change in their behavior could be a lack of emotional vocabulary. Just as a twenty two month old has random emotional outbursts during their “terrible two’s” because they lack the vocabulary to express themselves; a lacking of adequate emotional language can present similarly in kids who have appropriate communication. For the purposes of this post, we will focus on the emotional vocabulary of pre-school and school aged kids.

Emotional vocabulary is the words we use to describe our feelings to ourselves and to others.

This language of emotion is crucial to communicating effectively and building strong relationships. When a kid is able to tell her teacher that she is angry that someone took her seat instead of crying hysterically, the teacher can then began to empathize with the student’s behavior and devise a plan to help. When a child can tell their mom they were feeling overwhelmed by listening and working hard all day in school and are now tired, their mom then understands why they are irritated easily and then can respond with patience and compassion.

Developmental Perspective
Emotional vocabulary looks different based on age. Toddlers and preschoolers are said to have an adequate emotional vocabulary when they can convey whether they are happy, mad or sad.

An older child would be expected to use more precise words such as: frustrated, disappointed, lonely or anxious. It is believed that adequate emotional vocabulary can help kids regulate their emotions as well. Helping to regulate emotions is critical to kids as they are still developing the part of their brain that naturally controls emotional regulation and impulse control- the frontal lobe’s prefrontal cortex. The pre frontal cortex does not fully develop until around 25 years of age.

Practical Strategies for Parents
Now that you are beginning to understand why a robust emotional vocabulary is needed and the negative effects of it not being developed. Below are some tips to help build this, not listed in sequential order.

Remember that, first and foremost, you must check in with yourself before trying these tips with your kids to ensure you have the patience your kid needs through this developmental process. I would recommend making this a daily practice ~ Try guided meditations on youtube, recite positive parenting affirmations, listen to calming music prior to working with your kid Involve all parents, grandparents, adult guardian(s) in this endeavor so child can see variations of emotions from different perspectives ~
Have a briefing conversation with all adults who interact regularly with your child via FaceTime, zoom or face to face to discuss common goals and expectations

Introduce simple emotions first (happy , mad, sad and scared) then move to more specific emotions (worried, calm, overwhelmed)
~ Create or purchase a Feelings Chart to help kid identify feelings
~ Read age appropriate story and picture books about emotions
~ Play emotional charades where you display an emotion and have your child guess Model your emotions and your responses to them in real time ~ ~ In real time say aloud, “I’m angry that the store was closed when we arrived, but I will take deep breaths and listen to soft music while driving home to calm myself .”

Develop an action plan for each emotion with your child’s input ~
When they identify as feeling sad —>cuddling or hugs for one minute, acknowledge their feelings, validate their feelings; watching a funny movie ~ When they feel angry—> short bursts of exercise (20 jumping jacks, running down the sidewalk), a youtube session of child – friendly yoga , playing with a pet
~ When they feel overwhelmed/overstimulated—> explore nature by taking a walk, playing a fun game, dancing, drawing , playing with Play Dough (the tactile stimulation can be soothing and help relieve tension)

*Keep in mind that you know what works best for your child, so the action plans for each emotion need to be tailored to their exact needs and desires. Making these action plans with your child when they are not angry is key as it builds their self efficacy and they are thinking of solutions while their head space is clear.

Barriers and Challenges
If you or your family struggle with implementing any of these tips and your recognize that your child needs help with their emotional vocabulary, you should elicit the help of a professional play therapist. If you find yourself overwhelmed, or easily triggered by this activity, you may need personal therapy or parenting support. This article is not meant to replace therapy or medication if needed, but is merely a resource .

Not only will this help your child but it will help you build your emotional vocabulary. None of us were born with these skills, and we most likely weren’t formally taught how to identify our own feelings as kids. An added bonus is that this process will also strengthen your relationship with your child as you build camaraderie and spend time building action plans, creating feelings charts and playing emotional charades. Make this deposit into building your child’s emotional language today… it’ll put them steps ahead of their peers and most adults! The world could surely use more emotionally intelligent human beings! Next …we will dive into emotional vocabulary strategies for preteens and teens.